A Second Chance…or a reminder to regret?
I saw a second chance today.
No. Not a second chance in Life. A Second Chance in Education.
I quit my masters halfway through in 2021. If you ask me for one decision I regretted, then this would be the only one I could ever think of. Every other foolish decision in my life can be somehow justified. But not this one.
I lost this totally due to my ego, and I still couldn’t get over it.
Imagine you being in pangs of guilt of losing something that you aren’t able to see the environment that gave you the studying atmosphere straight without any emotions.
Imagine waking up every day and thinking the reason you left something you badly wanted was you. And it's just you.
Imagine having a way forward and unsure if you can take it up.
Imagine showing your dream in front of your eyes and being able to take it, but you aren’t sure if that can be the best way forward because you have to consider things outside of your selfish circle now.
Imagine having the food right in front of you, but you would hesitate to take it because you aren’t sure if it will suffice for everyone at the table. But do you badly want to taste the most loved food of your life?
Yes. This is how I feel about my second chance.
Unsure, totally in dread. As if life is good. Fair. And making me lucky. But I don't know how it would go.
Maybe adulting is hard. But it shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t be this hard to decide. It shouldn’t help you be depressingly undecided.
You shouldn’t be put in a place where you have to choose between the most loved ambition of your life and the peace of your loved ones.
You shouldn’t be put in a place where you got to choose between not overburdening and having what you love.
But you know what?
This is life. This is fucking life!
To hell with it!
This is a second chance. A Chance to revive. A Chance to relive. A chance to rejuvenate. The most fantastic thing I already had.
To revive the forgotten dreams, to restore the things that made me feel pity for myself. To stir the dead passions.
To revive my proudest self, I would’ve been.
This time. This Chance. I am unsure if I would take it. If I ever know something for certainty, that is this: A second chance is a Luck. A second chance hitting you when you are already away is a gold mine. Never lose it. Fight for it. Fight to accomplish it.
And when you get it: Make use of it as you would have never used it before.
Feeling the most craved second chance right in front of you and being unable to take it is the most dreadful place you have to put yourself in. You would’ve been better without it. If you see no hope, that’s to some extent adjustable.
But seeing hope and not being able to have it — that’s my definition of dread—the long deep black hole at the bottom of your soul.
The feeling of your doctor telling you your kid has a chance to survive if you get the fish out of the water and keep it alive for 5 minutes.
Impossible. Right? Impossible to save the life of your child or to keep the fish alive?
You know you couldn’t do it.
You would know just that!
But. If I get a second chance, this is what I would do:
- I would appreciate the little things I always took for granted because I got them easily
- I would learn to Learn. Learn the things I always missed out on
- Appreciate the beauty of life and acknowledge the little things people carry out in a day, just like how a cleaning lady walked half a meter to get cleaning cloth to clean our table today. Though I said it to her, I would repeat it. ‘Thank you, dear lady. You made our afternoon brighter.’
- I would do everything in my power to make people who trusted me proud. I haven’t done it before. I know not to my fullest potential. But now I would because I know what I lost.
- Do you know what I lost? Not the freedom. But the openness of my mind. The bluntness of my innocence. I started thinking more. I started fitting into a role that wasn’t mine. I just made things complicated. Interrupting the flow of life. And now — I would change that. Just allow me to be wrong. To be flawed. To be not enough. To be mistakenly Me.
Because at the end of the day, you will sleep all by yourself, and what matters is how free your mind is and how filled your heart is.
And today, I felt a sharp pinch in the bottom of my heart, seeing what I could have done while I allowed myself to be locked inside a glass tumbler built entirely by me.
Yes. I sabotaged myself.
This second chance. It isn’t a second chance. It's a reminder. This a Reminder for me to knock myself for acting from a defensive position when I should’ve been sensible.
When I first let it go, I let it go without a pang of guilt. I let it go without a complicated feeling. Just allowing people around me to feel the hardness.
And today, this second chance is to make me experience. the pain of what I lost. To make me regret my stupidity.
Afterall, this isn’t a second chance. It's just a reminder to regret.
