I am no longer the Girl I was…
I wasn’t remarkably Naive. But I was not exposed at all. Things my equals knew by 18, I learned much later. But, the difference didn’t arise from it. Because deep down, I always knew how NOT to handle a situation. And that is — in the right way!
Yes, you read it right. I was the Mess. The person you could spot in almost a long of story tales along the way and always known for creating a mess out of any ‘could have been normal’ situations.
I was insecure, drowned in an inferiority complex, and always demonstrated a cockyness that was totally absurd to make up for the downward spiral I was constantly sinking in.
No, I am not from a troubled household. In fact, it's one of the best, I would say, and the ONE THING that made my friends jealous. I was totally brought up on a silver platter. Things I needed and wanted came before even I could ask. But you know, there was something deep down — that never let you be contented.
And something that always keeps probing you to advance or move ahead. I never knew what that was. Infact, I never even knew what I lacked. To Top it all off, I developed physical signs of inferiority rising from various factors like overeating and trying to be like others which only resulted in Acquired stammering that broke me too much and becoming obese, the one thing that I still regret — though I have successfully overcome my stammering.
But today, I am not here to complain about who I was during my childhood. In fact, I never thought I would be this person today. I thought my life would be like a normal person. I never thought I could even step out of the grey. I thought, the place and the circumstance I was born in is what defines my destiny and that’s how I was supposed to live my whole life. Managing a home, creating a family, doing a job or a little something that I was capable of and staying submissive without being loud ever.
It's funny how life changes and actually transforms us in the process. Now I barely recognize any of the above. I am talking about the thought process the 7-year-old or 8-year-old Saranya had. I grew up in an Apartment, My Dad’s first Own Home, and that was a lovely place with many kids my age. We used to play, have fun and do everything typical kids before the era of technology did. Rode Bicycles, played dress up, cooked in miniature utensils with mud and stones, and tried painting trees and collecting leaves. But all throughout, ever since then, I have had this habit of talking to myself.
Away from my friends then, away from the time I spent with people, I was in a whole new world. A world where I was an adult, a world where my little teddies were a class of students for whom I was a teacher, a whole world where I had kids, where my life went through as every other mom, and as I was drowned in this whole ILLUSIONED world, life seemed like nothing out of ‘normal,’ as I grew up, circumstance proved that too. When we moved to our independent house when I was around 10, the kids and the fun we had subdued. I was drowned in this world and became more equipped with the world around me. Being the first girlchild of the family, my parents were highly protective and sometimes overprotective with the choice of outfits, the way I exposed myself, going out alone, etc.
And this renewed my thought process about how traditional and closely wounded life is supposed to be. I didn’t question any of these until like I was 14 or 15, and maybe — that is when I started seeing the outside world.
And trust me when I say this. It wasn’t liberating. It was terrifying. Suddenly the whole world started moving without me. I often felt left behind. I often felt left out, and most often, I felt like there was no one as inferior as me.
Everyone had their own group of friends, their own clan, their own gang, and I was out there. All on my own. Hated the one boy I had a crush on. [Later to realize the boy simply didn’t mind me at all].
I was never a people person. People around me LOVE having me with them. I often get invited to occasions, celebrations, parties, etc. But on the whole, I never find it easy to handle deeper connections. I can stay with you until you are in front of me. But later, I barely remember to call people. I am unsure if this is a personality trait or a terrible characteristic that I must work on, but I simply find this natural to me, and it's comfortable that way.
Hence, having a pool of friends is simply outside the perimeter of my existence. After 15, life was a downturn. I saw the boy I loved cry hard for the first time. And that day, though it was a total downfall, I was determined NEVER to let him cry again. I tried reaching out to him but wasn’t very successful. (Don’t be Aww-ed by my poems; I was a super poor flirter then. I never even knew how to talk to that boy. All I did was end up freezing if he even came in a 10 feet distance from me. Oh yes! Frozen by Love ❤)
But still, my poems somehow managed to reach him every now and then. And somewhere, I realized the person I am isn’t an ideal version to present to him. And that I needed much major transformation. And ideally, if I remember it right — that was when I started looking at myself.
I asked myself this question: “Do I need to live a normal life? Do I need to continue the way life is as my ancestors have done a long way now?” and immediately, I knew the answer to that — NO!
I do not want such a life. In fact, I was more reluctant to continue living that way. Life scared the shit out of me! Everyday life was frightening.
I didn’t know what to do.
Do not assume now. That boy was too far from reach. He didn’t even glance in my direction.
And from then, the Indian education system started the board exams, and life moved from not seeing the books to focusing a little on them. With Fun with friends, reconciliation with those who I lost touch with, and a lot more on my plate, life turned normal, and I had fun the last two years of high school until graduation.
And now is when Life started getting real.
A University environment that was totally out of my paradigm of experience!
A whole new level of freedom that we have to explore, exploit and play against the rules.
And I — Exploited the shit out of it before even I realized to explore it with responsibility.
And every ounce of that exploitation brought in everything I never felt before.
Ectasy
Adventure
Admiration
Awareness
Humiliation
Guilt
Regret
Revenge
Isolation
Money & Madness
And in the end — it transformed me to be a person I never thought I would be.
Diplomatic, Argumentative, Strong on my own Values, Broad Minded, Ability to handle any situation with Agile mindset and most importantly — Knowing what I want for myself.
From Avoiding any sort of verbal interaction to jumping into debates every time, I get a chance.
From hiding in social gatherings and choosing to be secluded so I needn't meet new people to casually saying Hi to a bystander and speaking to at least 3 to 5 new people every single day.
From not wanting to share anything about myself to writing pages and pages about how the deepest space of my private childhood used to be.
From being selfish in every aspect and always remembering the negatives someone left me with to knowing to move on easily and forgive.
From revenge to remembering when to launch
From being an aggressive person letting her emotions rule to being 80% logical and being aware of my emotions.
From being afraid and overly afraid to acknowledge my flaws to discovering everything that isn’t up to my expectations with myself and fixing it all by myself.
From being a timid girl to a strong and sensible Lady, life showed me the path to who I would have admired as a 7-year-old.
But being there, being the person I would love to show my 7-year-old to — I think it's one hell of a journey.
As I am here, at 24, still with my own share of insecurities, with my own fears and not-so-right decisions taken, the one primary difference is: I LOVE MYSELF! For everything I am. And — I know this isn’t the final destination, but just a milestone, an early milestone in a super long journey. The journey would comprise at least twice the years I have lived till now. [Yes! Despite my unhealthy lifestyle, I dream of hitting my 70s!]
With Inglewood Spanish shoes & Italian delicacies spread out in Moroccan plates along the coast of Monte Carlo.
With dreams of Luxury, the finest of everything, and of course — with the boy (Man!) I had a crush on! (yes, the boy from the teens — the baby is my Boyfriend! ❤)
Life has presented itself with the most challenging and self-challenging journey. A couple of successes and a list of long failures. An ode of inspiration to people who have been seeing from the outside but a lot of tears and struggle to cope with no one but me. Out of all the struggles I faced along the way, the biggest and the most challenging one was speaking to my own self, facing my own fears, and confronting the deeply held belief systems to transform and nourish the mind for the next best level of life.
Today, I run a Business — a company after exiting two of my former companies, an independent consultant, a Trainer, and a Mentor. Facing everything I feared. Doing everything I thought I would never do.
A girl who thought she would never take up Marketing/Sales since it involved witty and flawless talking is now a High Ticket Sales Closer and gets people in business to go wow on her negotiation and Marketing skills.
As a young girl, I have always admired my Dad making such eloquent Negotiations over just a phone call and admired their position of strength. And actually craved it. But never in my dreams I thought I could ever experience it.
But from where I stand now — I am confident that I can make my Dad proud in this vertical and actually be as good as the Master.
Everyday life has been evolving, and I continue to work on what makes me the next best version of myself while empowering many like me to dream the dream I once did and work towards it — All at the same time.
If I have to conclude with two words — that’s this.
Thankful & Blessed.
Much Love,
$aranya Narayana Moorthy
